Answers to Your Questions About What It’s Really Like to Be in a Dom/Sub Relationship


I by chance crossed paths with my first Dominant on-line after I became going thru a divorce seven years ago. My first idea became to run away fast: He should be a few whip-toting freak with a dungeon in his basement. Fast-ahead to these days and I actually have 3 Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships in the back of me (aleven though I’ve had vanilla relationships, too), and I can really say that every dating constructed on the previous and has taught me profound matters approximately my frame, myself, or even lifestyles.

With a lot controversy and misinformation, which I’ve written approximately earlier than, accessible round what D/s is and isn’t, I need to provide up a glimpse into the REAL global of D/s. Here are the solutions to the maximum famous questions I’ve been asked.

What do you experience maximum approximately D/s?

What appeals to me the maximum is the acute cerebral connection — the thoughts play and the emotions it conjures in me, every so often all day lengthy (the mind is, after all, the largest intercourse organ). The words, the orders, the reprimands, the tone and the downright audacity for him to mention it all: Never might I permit anybody else to talk to me on this manner, or, over all, to have such deep get right of entry to into my thoughts, frame and coronary heart.

And I listen myself responding in approaches that further surprise me — from mouthy and completely fallacious to meek and beautiful or without a air in my lungs at all. All the even as I experience with my thoughts, coronary heart and complete frame, the anticipation, the worry, the exposure, my energy, his manage and protection, preference and love. Through the D/s dynamic, I now no longer simplest experience extra alive and privy to my sexuality/sensuality, I research and personal extra of myself.

I’ve heard of “punishment and discipline” being utilized in D/s relationships: What does that appearance like?

I can simplest provide an explanation for this from my perspective, so I’ll ought to lower back up a bit:

I actually have many exclusive factors to my personality. For the maximum part, I’m quite straight-laced: responsible, hard-working, kind, thoughtful, capable, organized, (boring). Maybe it’s my higher middle-class, precise woman upbringing at work, I don’t understand.

But a few elements of me itch to head outdoor the lines, and people elements are bitchy, aggressive, sly, daring, bold, manipulative, or even, I’d say, immature. This is in which “Delaine The Brat” comes out withinside the D/s dating — and boy does she like to push.

Poking at my Dom, trying out him, attempting to interrupt his guidelines and, in a few approaches, undermine his masculinity, brings me tremendous pleasure. I’d nearly describe it as glee. If he catches it — and I constantly form of desire he will— I want to understand he will ‘installed my place’ thru a few form of “punishment/discipline” that we each somehow, on a few stage, experience. If he doesn’t upward push to the challenge, it’s genuinely a turn-off to me.

For a few humans, that is in which S&M comes into play. For others, it’s bondage and/or spanking and/or kink. It ought to even contain humiliation and status withinside the nook like a berated child. The submissive by no means knows ‘exactly’ what her Dom goes to do and the moderate worry of the unknown may be erotic. That being said, she have to constantly understand that she is secure and won’t be driven outdoor her limits physically, mentally or emotionally. If this occurs and she or he without delay needs it to stop, she will name out a at the same time agreed upon “secure word.”

As for me, the first-class manner to make me behave is to disregard me.

But why, as a grown female, might you probably need to act so childishly?


It’s now no longer all of the time, it’s simply every so often. And I don’t understand the precise answer. Why do you every so often crave tomatoes on rye bread even as I experience like grilled cheese on white? Why does it even rely if we each experience an amazing meal and are each glad and unhurt withinside the end?

All I understand is that a few a part of me is interested in strong, decisive, innovative, effective guys who additionally own the Dom ‘ability set’ (a subject for any other article). And after I’m round that power and reminded of it, I like the way it makes me experience as a female and sexual being. It’s now no longer that I suppose I’m now no longer all of these matters too, however some thing interior of me is appeased and woke up after I experience that withinside the organization of my partner.

Why didn’t you discover D/s earlier than to procure divorced?

Looking lower back, all I can say is that the mundaneness of elevating 3 youngsters inside a stable, predictable, home lifestyles and marriage squashed my hobby in intercourse past the requisites. Only after I have become unmarried once more at age 37 did I recognize how a great deal my sexual preference rouses whilst my thoughts and creativeness are continuously engaged and challenged. A D/s dating gives me that.

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What do you need girls to understand maximum approximately D/s?

First, D/s is first and most important a PART of a dating, however it’s now no longer the whole thing the connection is. You want to be relatively like minded in a myriad of approaches past D/s for the connection to be successful.

Secondly, whilst you love your partner, D/s will become like this private, unique adventure that permits you to discover your self and every different in intimate, breathtaking, by no means-finishing approaches. Sex is extra like an extension of that adventure, a automobile in case you will, that lets in you to excavate, ask, dare, receive, supply and discover matters approximately your self, and barely past your self, which you by no means knew existed. The energy and depth and connection to each other nearly feels cosmic. It’s like you’re connected to each other, like muscle on bone.

Do you’ve got got mental issues?

Smile. No extra than the common person.

In the actual global I am a professional, a mom, capable, innovative and self-reliant. But as a female, D/s speaks to a few deep and intimate a part of my soul. I lengthy to be mastered and brought and led with the aid of using one exquisite guy I love.

But now no longer simply any many can name himself a Dom and personal me. There is a ferocious tiger that guards the gates to that sacred a part of me.

I inspire different girls to do the identical.

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Is D/s all approximately whips, chains, blood and pain?

No. Please do now no longer confuse D/s with S&M, that’s sadomasochism. S&M is the dynamic in which one person (the sadist) enjoys causing pain, frequently sexually, on a person who enjoys receiving it (the masochist). That being said, a few humans might also additionally contain a few stage of S&M into their D/s dynamic — however extra frequently than now no longer, it’s slight to slight and takes the shape of spanking, which, let’s be honest, many “vanilla” couples have attempted withinside the throes of passion.

Please be aware that BDSM is split into 3 areas: BD, bondage and discipline; DS, Dominance and submission; and SM, for sadomasochism. Not every person combines all areas, nor do they achieve this withinside the identical approaches; it’s as much as the couple to determine upon and consent to together. Also, many couples don’t even categorize themselves below those labels and clearly name acts like blindfolding or handcuffing “kink.”

Is D/s in large part approximately kinky intercourse then?

D/s is first and most important an power dynamic that flows among humans. One person, the Dom, takes on extra the function of leader, guide, enforcer, protector and/or daddy, even as the alternative person, the sub, assumes extra the function of pleaser, brat, tester, child woman, and/or servant. Many couples restrict the D/s dynamic to sexual function play withinside the bedroom. But D/s may be accelerated and carried out in thrilling and innovative approaches past it.

For example, a Dom might also additionally create easy yet ‘unordinary’ guidelines for his sub to follow, inclusive of requiring she ask his permission to masturbate whilst he’s absent. Or, the dynamic might also additionally contain a great deal stricter guidelines and severa duties that entrust him with extra manage of her thoughts, frame and behaviors. This is in which the road among D/s crosses into that of Master/slave, that’s a great deal extra in-intensity and extra of a lifestyle.

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Does the Dom have all of the energy even as the sub is quite a great deal a doormat?

No. This is one in all the largest myths approximately D/s. A genuine D/s dating is primarily based totally upon the needs, needs, goals and curiosities of the sub — she defines the waft and barriers of the connection. The Dom’s activity is to pay attention carefully to her, ask questions, intuit what she says and every so often can’t, and assist her creatively and appropriately discover her innermost self, mentally, emotionally and yes, sexually, too. Sometimes her barriers get lightly pressed, too.

This is why the 4 pillars of a D/s dating are trust, communication, admire and honesty. And if one pillar is lacking or one begins offevolved crumbling, the connection will become stunted and can even collapse.

This put up became at first posted in November 2016.

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